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Greeting Cards

Birth Control

BirthControlInside_

I think I’m falling for you…

(Inside)

So I went ahead
and got off birth control
after our first date.
Keep your fingers crossed!

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207 Bones

207BonesInside

The Human Body
Has 206 Bones

(Inside)

With you I
have 207.
Love ya’ Babe
Happy Anniversary!

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Too Chicken

TooChickenInside
TooChickenBack

I was too chicken to ask you out in person so I’m using this greeting card. Go ahead and open up the card to read about our dream date.

(Inside)

So I’ll pick you up at 7:30 if I can get my jalopy of an “automobile” to start; that’s unlikely though so let’s aim for around 8:45 at your apartment. (Don’t worry, I know EXACTLY where you live). I’ll be picking you up on my razor scooter. Don’t worry, there’s room for two. We’ll skip dinner because I find it awkward to eat in front of someone I barely know. Also, I never quite got the hang of that whole fork and knife business. So first stop: the cineplex. Guess what?!? You get to pick the movie! On a couple of conditions of course: 1) None of this sappy “The Notebook” slash Ryan Gosling crap. Either Van Damme, Vin Diesel or Arnold Schwarzeniger (sp?) has to play the lead role. OH, and there has to be a lot of explosions. Ka-BLAMO! I love when shit gets blown up, don’t you? By the way, DON’T touch my popcorn. Fair warning. Next it’s off to Frank’s video arcade where we’ll play GaLaga & Ms. Pac-Man. Actually you’ll mainly be watching me play because I RULE at those games. If the date is going well at this point (and it sounds like it is), then we’ll have a sleepover. We’re going to have to stay at your place because my cat “razor claws” gets viciously jealous whenever I have company. In the morning breakfast is on you. I know you paid at the movies but I paid at the arcade, remember? (Turn to back of card for more bliss->)

(Back)

I think it’s best if we stick with the turn-taking on the paying thing. For example, on our next date I’ll pay for the bowling on dollar bowling night.
So what do you think? (Check a Box)

Yes!

No.

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To the Point

MoreSexInside

I’m going to make this short, simple, and to the point.
Happy Anniversary! AND…

(Inside)

If we don’t start having sex a lot more often then there isn’t going to be another anniversary.
(Keep in mind, that prenup heavily favors me)

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Toilet’s Running

ToiletRunningInside

Honey, the toilet’s running

(Inside)

For crying out loud, just jiggle the handle. What, do I have to do everything?
OH, and Happy Anniversary.

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Moment’s Peace

ILoveYouInside

I love you…

(Inside)

When you give me
a moment’s peace.

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Bucolic Art

BucolicArtInside

I drew this beautiful bucolic scene for you.

(Inside)

This is your gift. No money fell out of the card. This is it. Happy Anniversary! Right under the owl hole in the tree I carved our initials. Don’t try to break up with me or the tree will know. You don’t want to get on the tree’s bad side. Wow, can you believe we’ve been dating a whole month now?

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Sometimes 6

AppreciateYouInside

You know, I was sitting here and I realized I’ve never really told you how much I appreciate you.

(Inside)

On a scale from one to ten, I’d say you range from 2 to 5. Sometimes even 6. I said sometimes 6.
Happy ___ Anniversary!

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Charles Owens

CharlesOwensInside

Hello.

(Inside)

I want to be caught in a downpour with you.
I want to end up at the ocean with you some drunken
night and we hardly know how we got there or where
we’re going
I want to be with you when you feel life’s so awful that
you wish someone would check you into an institution
and mainline Valium into your system.
I want to be with you when you feel everything you’ve
done has culminated in this moment of bliss.
I want to look at the smooth curve of the nape
of your neck while you sleep.
I want to be with you right now.
And when we’re naked and alone wading in an ebony lake at
midnight under a canopy of a tree’s crooked branches, I want
to realize the moment you’ve fallen in love.
[The message in this card was created by the poet Charles Owens. Reprinted with his kind permission]

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Lionel Richie

HelloInside

Hello.

(Inside)

Is it me you’re looking for?

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